I had my appointment scheduled for eight in the morning ‘cause I like to get my appointments out of the way as opposed to dreading them during the day, especially a dental appointment such as this one. I was gonna get veneers and had a rough idea of what was gonna happen and a timeframe for the procedure: roughly three hours. So, I schedule it on a Tuesday during my spring break of 2019.

And so, I arrive at the dentist office a few minutes before the appointment. Check-in. Wait. Not even two minutes pass and the dentist comes and says she’s ready to see me. I follow her to my seat, sit down, and mentally prepare myself for the long procedure. She puts the dental bib on me and we have a brief conversation about local anesthetic. Afterwards she puts one of them cotton swabs in my mouth. The kind that slightly numb you and taste awful.

She leaves for maybe 10 or so minutes. I’m sitting there looking around, watching TV. It’s a regular run-of-the-mill dental office. It’s got a poster of the inside of a tooth. Other posters about how you should brush your teeth so they don’t get cavities or AIDS or whatever. There’s even a poster showing the before and after effects of various dental procedures, such as veneers.

Now the dentist comes back, jabs my gums with this big-ass needle. Anesthetic needles are fucking huge and this needle ain’t no exception neither. You could stab a baby through the goddamn chest with this thing and pin it to the wall. After jabbing me with anesthetic my dentist leaves once more to do some more dentist stuff.

She comes back and the local anesthetic has taken effect. Boy oh boy. The procedure can now begin. I’m gonna get veneers from canine to canine and everything in between. For me that’s six teeth total. You might have more; you might have less.

The part that I knew about was beginning. After cleaning my teeth and all that jazz. First comes the smoothing. So, they have to make sure all the teeth are nice and even. To do this they use a smoother. It looks like a dental drill but the tip is broader; it does however sound roughly the same. I despise that horrid high-pitched sound. They start with a rough smoother. It vibrates my teeth when it makes contact. It sounds like a quiet jackhammer against them. My enamel is being filed away bit by bit.

Throughout the whole ordeal I’m instructed to raise my arm when I feel any pain. And I do. There’re a few points where the anesthetic does begin to wear. It kinda feels like a milder version of having your tooth drilled into, but that’s a different a story. It’s a very sharp and sudden pain. Even making contact with the air hurts. Thankfully I still had some numbness because it didn’t completely wear-off.

After the rough smoothing, comes the smooth smoothing or fine smoothing. This device, not surprisingly, is like the rough smoother, except it has a finer point. Once that’s done, next comes the veneers. At some point the dental assistant was the one doing the procedure. I weren’t exactly paying attention none; I was too busy trying to think of anything that wasn’t the horrible sound of those smoothers.

So now the assistant starts putting the veneers on one by one. The installation went something like this: tooth glue, veneer, dry with heat light. Sounds simple, reckon it is, anyone could just do this at home themselves. You only need to go to medical school to legally practice medicine. At this point it had been maybe 90 minutes or so.

The assistant next holds up a strip of sandpaper and explains that she has to smooth my veneers out so I can floss between ‘em. I don’t think nothing of it. Makes sense to me, plus I’m numb so it ain’t like I’m gonna feel a thing. And this feeling holds true until she gets below the gumline.

What’s the worst pain you’ve ever experienced? Getting kicked in the dick? Being skinned alive, tossed in a salt pit whilst being squirted with lime juice? Rectal prolapse via pool filter? I guarantee you ain’t none of it compares to the unfathomable horror I’m gonna tell you about. Hands down the worst pain I’ve ever gone through.

And I ain’t no stranger to pain. I’ve had seven teeth pulled in one procedure, gotten two chest tubes removed within 24 hours of each other, been kicked in the dick, electrocuted, stepped on needles and nails, gotten a filling where the anesthetic hardly worked, burned, and cut open my knee on the head of a nail and the skin was just kinda hanging there- it looked like a meat pocket. I’ve gone through quite a bit. But this next step, this final step is so horrid it’s like something out of a Carcass or Lymphatic Phlegm song. Subgingival sandpaper flossing.

Let’s break this down.

Sub- meaning below.

Gingival- of or pertaining to the gums.

Sandpaper- the stuff used to smooth wood.

Flossing- the thing you lie to your dentist about doing.

Close your eyes. Empty your mind. Take a deep breather. Exhale. Listen to my words. Let them guide your thoughts. Let’s start with the sound.

You know that sound that dental picks make. That scraping of steel against enamel. And how sometimes the dentist will rub them against your teeth back and forth, like they’re trying to write on your tooth. That sharp sounding sound that’s sorta high-pitched. Like nails on a chalkboard, but not quite as loud, and coming from your mouth. Imagine that sound but grittier and rougher sounding as bits of veneer are sanded away, as bits of enamel are as well. Your gums acting as a sort of meat muffle. Real sharp and gritty and fleshy.

Next comes the pain, it’s sharp to understate it. The sharp sensation is felt throughout the tooth and the gums. And it travels up the root. The best way to describe the actual pain, is if you’ve ever gotten a cleaning and the dentist accidentally pokes you with their dental pick. Imagine that brief sharp pain but stretched out. And it’s going from the rear inner portion of your gums and then sliding to the front whilst also traveling up the root- I can’t emphasize that part enough. The reason I was feeling pain was because it was local anesthetic so only the front part of my gums was numb.

It was by far the worst fucking pain I’ve ever felt in my goddamn life. They did this for the six teeth with veneers. Both sides. By the time we were about half through the pain was almost unbearable. The assistant said it wouldn’t be worth it to numb the back of gums. I agreed with her. We’d have to wait for them to go numb and it’d hurt worse ‘cause they’d have to do the injection in the roof of my mouth. I wanted to get the fucking ordeal over. I was gripping both sides of the chair, my face was sweating, my eyes was widening with each swipe of the sandpaper against my teeth.

As she moved from tooth to tooth, side to side, sandpapering away somehow each swipe felt worse than the last. It felt sharper, it felt grittier. A few times I had to stop and collect myself. Part of me wanting to wait, the other part wanting to get it over with.

I’ve never felt pain painful enough to bring me to tears, but this came pretty close. Two or three, hell maybe even one more tooth and I probably woulda cried.

There weren’t no bigger relief than when it was over; I was so glad. I left the dentist office, just absolutely drained. I wanted to go to bed and forget this moment. But first I was hungry.

So, without even thinking I went to Chipotle. Got my usual to-go order. White rice, chicken, queso, hot salsa, corn salsa, guac, and cheese. It totals about 10.65. So, after that I drive home, listening to Joy Division. It takes me about 15 minutes to get home as usual.

I get home. I’m home alone except for my two turtles: Blondie and Lorenz. I get ready to eat. I got a DVD of Peep Show in. I got my Chipotle in front of me. I take a bite of it. And BAM! instant fucking pain again. The burning feeling of salsa entering into my raw and violated gums. It never once occurred to me that getting spicy food after having my gums violated with sandpaper would be a bad idea. Nonetheless, I soldiered on finishing my Chipotle in horrible, delicious pain. I paid for this food; I ain’t gonna let it go to waste.

So, after that I took a nap and woke up in more pain as the anesthetic had completely worn off. The next few days my teeth had sharp and sudden, but brief pains. The next week or so I would wake up after having nightmares about the sandpaper, feeling that pain all over again. And to this day one of gums still bleeds no matter how gently I brush it. Despite the pain the procedure was worth it because my teeth ain’t sensitive no more.